Religion!

"Hey little one, you know what else makes Jesus happy?  Jesus loves Pudding pops. What did you think Jesus was going to say?"

Nope.

The End of An Era...

Funny, same can be said for children...

Howdy y'all! Let me get right into it here. My son Brodie has always had an amazing talent when it comes to the art of wind passing. He can blow with the best of them. He's been stupendous with volume since birth. When in an empty room he's been known to make echos Grand Canyon style. He has a variety of different sounds in his arsenal from dry and powerful to wet and with substance. It's amazing. About six months ago he added aroma to the mix which put him over the top in my book. It's no secret that all men enjoy a good show of flatulence and I am no different. I'll admit that my chest puffed a little in pride when he would throw one out there in the presence of family and friends. I even giggled when it was a show for strangers. BUT, when he added that little gem and it wafted to my nostrils for the first time I was ecstatic! Not only was it that little bit more pride for me to beam but it completed the perfect trifecta! Count them with me here! One- arse amplified boom, Two- eye watering stench and now the all important number Three- BLAME!  With his limited vocabulary and the fact that he found it just as funny as I did no matter who it came from made it the perfect scapegoat for yours truly!
All good things, this included, shall pass. This week as marked the aforementioned "End of An Era!"..... At the beginning of the week Brodie decided the extra funny ending to his bum-boom would be to add "Brodie Toot!" I also laughed. It was cute. HOWEVER, not long after I heard the two little words I should have seen coming but didn't... "Daddy toot!" I didn't laugh this time. The gig is up. There you have it folks. My sadness all out there for your reading pleasure. And yes, I did make my first post of September a, very true, "fart joke." Laugh it up chuckles. I didn't even get into the fact that he has also learned how to push them out at will. That's funny too. But it's just not as funny as when you know that your ass, excuse the pun, is no longer covered.
Stay classy Internet.

I want Jooooooooooooozzz! zzzzzz

Ah, the similarities just keep on coming! The boy took a couple of years off of my life again today. While he was having a nap, and I was sleeping beside him watching him and doing other important things, he sat up like a rocket and yelled "I want Jooooooooozzz!!!" (translation for those without children: If you aren't busy at this moment I would very much enjoy a cold glass of apple juice father. The sooner the better as I'm sure this is a life and death situation) When I came to my senses, and started my heart and breathing again, I looked over to see him upright and eyes closed. He then flopped back down onto the bed, hugged his stuffed puppy and continued on with his slumber. This is the second time he's done this. The first time I am not sure but I think he woke up looking for the stuffed puppy. One of three prized possessions. All three are puppies. A large one that cost my mother $.50 at a yard sale and the one he won't leave anywhere named "Puppy" and the other two are Webkinz, both dogs, one named "Puppy" (yep, that's right) and the second named "Barky." I don't even think that he got it last time he woke up, he just called for it and fell back asleep. The poor boy gets it quite honestly. The odd thing is, the last time it happened to me was last night. I up the ante a little though. I walk and talk. Last night I woke up in pitch black, not like really dark but you can squint a little and make things out dark. Blind and can't see your hand in front of your face black. I felt around and whacked my knuckles off of the bathroom sink. Now I was worried. How long had I been in here and what did I do before I woke up. I felt around for the light switch and when I turned it on I looked around the floor/sink and bathtub for traces of urine. Nothing. Toilet, check. Good. At least I didn't pee on the floor. I've never done it before but I know a guy that peed in his closet and in his laundry hamper. I've never peed in my sleep before. I'm hoping this was the first/last time it happens. Most of the time I wake up standing in the living room or sitting upright in bed. The time before last however was the dumbest by far. Against my better judgement I'll explain...
I was about to make dinner one night and I turned on burner and put the pan on it. The next thing I knew there was a plume of smoke bellowing out from under the pan. Puzzled at first and then it hit me like a Vietnam flashback... I suddenly had a vision/memory of the previous night which I had hoped was a dream. I remembered being in the kitchen and being very hungry. For some reason I opened the fridge and pulled out the Diana BBQ Sauce. I then opened the top and tipped it over and started waving it back and forth in short strokes to pour it in a zig-zag pattern onto my delicious bounty of....... Nothing... I slightly came to when I realized I had poured the BBQ sauce all over the burner of the stove. I grabbed a paper towel and gave it a quick wipe and put the sauce away and went back to bed and then forgot all about it until I turned on the burner for dinner. I turned off the burner and started to laugh. I was in a situation now. No one was there except Brodie. I know he isn't going to tell anyone because his vocabulary doesn't extend into insults on stupidity yet. So my situation was do I tell anyone? I had to. This was too funny not to! So here it is.  I just wonder how many things I've done and don't know about it yet... I could have old roommates that see a shrink for the things they've seen me done in the middle of the night! Only time will tell! In the meantime I'm seriously considering getting one of those door alarms that they make for children and putting it on MY door!
Stay classy Internet!

Do as I say, not as I do...

Rumspringa baby!

The title of this blog is a bullshit line saying that my father used on me and I can see myself attempting to suck back into my mouth, like spaghetti, when I throw them to my son.  I think that this all comes down to the old feeling that every father/parent has that wants their child to have what they didn't and not have to learn life lessons by trial and error since we have already done this for them. There is a balance there that we all look for. We don't want to have those home-schooled kids that are socially retarded and think that not doing their dishes right after eating is living on the edge.  We all know that person in life. Although I have a son and not a daughter. This may make a difference. You may wish for your child to be like one of those "save it for marriage and only for procreation" types if you have a daughter and can't fathom the thought of some douche bag kid with a Mustang and a hard-on violating your daughter. I may be one of those too if I were to have a little girl... I hope my son does experience most of what life has to offer. I want him to get wasted on tequila so that he knows it's devil's urine and barfs so hard he farts. I don't however want him to experience what it's like to bang a hooker and feel burning when he pees. Again, it's a fine line. (side note, I don't know if that's what happens... James Bidgood told me. I know he won't read this... read being the operative word)
I think that there are some cardinal rules that are laid by our parents/guardians/pool boy/nanny that we follow, for the most part, and maybe we pass those along and drop the ones that aren't relative anymore. For example, my dad's dad may not have had to tell him to stay away from crystal meth tweekers. But my dad didn't have to tell me not to accept gum drops from men in black buggies. I have started to think about my list for my son now so that when it is time for me to pass them on I won't forget any of the important ones.... Like the tweeker thing. First and foremost, my father taught me to respect my mother. I couldn't agree with this more. Second and along the same lines is to respect and NEVER hit a woman. The hit part I have followed to a tee. However, the respect thing I may have misinterpreted a little during a couple of years when the wrong organ was getting the largest amount of blood flow...  There has been a few things that I have done that I am not proud of but nothing too too major.  I also want to install the sense of worth that comes with earning something. I want to provide for my child and give him everything that I ever wanted just as much as anyone else. I just think that earning it carries a lot more weight than most.  I wanted a dirt bike so bad when I was a kid. I'd dream about it constantly. My parents could have thrown out the cash to get one if they really wanted to but my father wouldn't have it. It pissed me off. But when I did buy that piece of crap bike I loved it more than anything in the world. A kid down the street had one given to him and he jumped it solo every chance he got. And I don't mean by HIMself, I mean by ITself. Lastly for now, one thing I really want my son to learn is that when someone hires you for a job you should earn that pay cheque. Too many, and I'm biting my preverbal tongue as I type this, young people now go to a job and don't work. They think that just being there is what they're paid for. That pisses me off to no end.  That's all of the old man thoughts I have for tonight... I guess I just want the boy to have a small amount of toxicity in his blood and some common sense. And perhaps a little old fashioned thoughts as well. And if I EVER catch that little sonofabitch smoking I'll put him in a closet with a carton and a zippo just like I wished my father had done to me. I would have killed to have my dad buy my cigarettes for me!
There it is, not my funniest entry I'll admit. But something important to me, nontheless.
Stay classy internet,
Jay

Look out Mr. Letterman!

Whaaa.... 8 million dude....

Look out! It's 2, count em, 2 days in a ROW! However, it's now 11:42 11:43 and I've told myself that I'd be in bed tonight before the A.M. so I really don't have long here. That's ok though because I really only wanted to do a quick Top Ten List for your reading pleasure!
Here  goes nothing!

Top Ten Reasons I Don't Miss Smoking Weed


10- Feeling like someone dumped a mixture of whole wheat flour and crazy glue in my mouth.
9- Being paranoid in general but more specifically, being afraid I am going to forget how to breathe.
8- Trying to keep up with all of the new and cool ways to smoke weed. I draw a line when people buy WWII gas masks at surplus stores.
7- Hanging out with other people who smoke weed and realizing that I might actually look/act like they do...
6- Buying weed. Or associating with those who sell it.
5- Driving to stores at 4:00 in the morning for twinkies, chocolate milk, hot dogs and a pound of bacon.
4- Buying Viseine and being well aware that the clerk knows damn well it's not for hay fever.
3- Losing my glasses when they're on my face.
2- Driving fried and feeling the need to slow down and realizing that I'm doing 63km/hour in an 80km/hour zone.
and the number one reason I don't miss smoking weed is.... Eating something that has no business going into my mouth because it's dirty/expired or not widely known as edible and getting asked why I'm doing it and not having an answer.


There you have it, my first attempt at a top ten list. Maybe Dave's safe for now. Just wait until I master this skill! Poop, it's 11:58! Gotta run, I still have to pee and brush my teeth!
Stay classy internet!

Seriously?..... Seriously?

Classic!

Ah yes, the time has come for my now monthly blog... What can I say? Life gets busy sometimes. But enough about me... Wait, that's what this is about isn't it? OK, not enough about me and way too much about you already. So, as per, I'm going to start this one off with my latest Facebook status update! Well not start I guess because there is the picture and then this whole thing... You know what I mean. And if you don't then this site might not be for you. I think you may have been looking for TMZ or Access Hollywood...

Jason Alexander Just heard an evangelist on T.V. saying, "First of all, if Jesus came back today, he wouldn't have a Facebook page!" I disagree... I think he'd say, "First of all, what the f*ck is an internet?" Then given a few days to get used to it I think he'd say, "Gross! Dude, check out what this chic is doing to this donkey!!"

I am totally serious about this. I really did hear some moron saying this. Anyone that knows me knows that I am a HUGE people watcher. I find our species quite funny as a whole. For some reason I always here/see the dumbest we have to offer. And anyone who knows Peterborough knows that there are a few winners to choose from. Another example would be my outing to the Farmers Market. It's a great place to go to buy food that hasn't been sprayed with enough chemicals to make your poop glow. I wish I had a quarter for every time I smelled patchouli oil walking around that place. The conversation I was privy to that rather hot and sticky day came from a couple of Birkenstock, hairy armpit having and home made deodorant wearing "women" went something like this (Names have been changed for lack of memory):

"OH my goodness! you DIDN'T get little Rainbow-Stream-Buttercup-Rain vaccinated at birth or anything did you? He/she/it's way too cute to have been pumped full of that chemical garbage!"

"Gosh no! I did getting talked into the H1N1 shot for them by my spindoctor nurse practitioner though!"

I'm sure there was more to it after that but my brain went numb with stupidity... Those a-holes are also the ones that lie about getting their shots and forge their kids records for school. May they all get polio. That'll learn 'em! 

The third and final hearsay for this evening comes from a sweet little lady of about 20 years of age while I was standing in line at Future Shop. She was soooo excited to be getting a new copy of one of the Twilight movies that has a commentary from one of the actors that she hadn't heard yet. Yep, I found someone who actually watches those... The overheard conversation went something like this (again, names changed for the same reason and it may not be exactly what was said but the general idea is there...):

"Star, guess what?!"

"Mercedes, you know I don't like guessing, thinking hurts me!"

"Sorry. I'll just tell you then. You know Marcy's new hook-up Snake? His birthday is on Christmas day!"

"No freaking way!"

"Yep, it's like the same as Jesus' birthday! And Jesus was born on Christmas day and look at how lucky he was!"

"I know right! It must be a lucky day!"

OK, I'll give you a second to let that all sink in.... Ya....

So, the last couple lines are almost exactly what was said even though I fluffed up the first part and the names. I think people like that should have an interview or something before having kids and, when found to be that stupid, they should have to have their tubes tied or something in order to somewhat filter out the gene pool... I am likely the farthest person from being religious at all but even I know a little about the bible... From what I have read, which is little, the "J" man didn't have a super happy go-lucky life. I mean, I hit my thumb with a hammer and I dance around and yell like Richard Simmons in a room full of fat women! Let alone having spikes driven through my hands and feet just to hang out and die! I don't just think it's women either before I get any comments from the thousands of readers I have. I think if men fail the same test they should have a rubber band with a lock on it tied around their nuts until they fall off like they do with pigs. 

Anyways, that's all for tonight. I just had to get something down here to start up again. I've had 4 people say it was time for me to get a new one up here and that's 5 more than I thought read my blog in the first place! Until next time!

Stay classy internet!

Kids say the funniest things!

 This has nothing to do with the blog... I just thought it was funny stuff...

The boy likes to sit behind me on the couch and I lean back and smoosh him a little... The other night while squishing him I said "CRUNCH!" Well, being the little recorder/repeater that he is he decided to say it as well. The problem is that although he is doing really well with his talking, when he said "crunch" he removed the "r" and made the "ch" into a "t". Then he proceeded to say his version of crunch over and over and over. A good father would have changed the topic right away. Someone like me however, couldn't stop laughing long enough to do anything but laugh a lot more. I didn't just laugh either. Normally that word makes me cringe. It makes me sick to my stomach actually. As sexist as it may be, it wigs me out even more when a woman says it. However, when his little voice threw it out there over and over, and since it was so innocent. I HAD to laugh. It wasn't a normal little giggle either. I thought for some reason that it was the funniest thing ever. I had one of those tears down your face, snot seeping out of your nostril and can't breathe kind of laughs.
I would like to take this time to mention that there are actually some good people left in this fucked up world of ours. We went to the cottage last week and on the way up we had a bit of bad luck. First we had to buy a new battery for the car because the one in it died. That was a hundred bucks gone. Then I think that because we had a bad battery and the alternator was running the car for too long that it cooked itself, the alternator that is. This isn't something that happens at a good spot ever. It happened in the middle of an intersection and on a hill... going up... I got out and started pushing. A super nice guy came over and started pushing with me and another after that and we finally got the car out of the way of traffic. I thanked the man for his help and I assumed that would be all. He asked if a boost would help me get on my way because he would hate to see a young family stuck and would do that for me if it would help. I told him I doubted it but it might. He didn't have cables and neither did I since they are in the other car... Smart move... Anyways, the guy, Joe, says that he has something that will work at his house around the corner and he would go get it. I told him thanks but I didn't want to put him out but he insisted. He returned a few moments later with a booster pack. He asks where I am heading and when I'd be back in the area. I told him I'd be coming back that way in about a week. Joe then insists that I take the $150 pack with me in case I need it on the way and I could just call him and drop it off in a week when I came through again. I was shocked (pun intended). He said it was a gift and he knew that there was a chance I might not call and it would be gone but he didn't care as long as I had a chance at making it to my destination. Wow. I assured him I would be getting it back to him and thanked him. He was then on his way. I could only get the car to run when the pack was hooked onto the battery terminals so, in a ballsy move, I put it on it's side and closed the hood as much as I could on it so that I could at least move the car into a better spot, the Tim Hortons down the street with a little bit of shade was what was in my mind. On the way down the street, with my hazard lights on, the hood of course had to fly up and blind me until I stopped and put it down again. I drove slower the rest of the way... Once in the parking lot and in some shade, we made a few calls and had a new alternator soon on its way. I started to remove the old one with the tools in my trunk, thank god I didn't take them out) when who should appear again, like a cowboy on a stallion, but our now good buddy Joe! He says he was at the store across the street and noticed that I hadn't made it far and saw my hood up so he wanted to make sure we were ok! I told him the story and that the new part was on it's way and would be there in about an hour. Joe tells me that it's much too hot to be sitting in a parking lot and that he would love to give us a ride over to his house where his wife and kids were just putting some food on the bbq and would love us to join and maybe go for a swim in their pool! This kind of man isn't so common anymore. He wasn't even like a creepy dude that was like, come on over and sit in my basement for a bit, IT PUTS THE LOTION IN THE BASKET! He was just a genuine dude. I told him that I really needed to get the old part off and be ready for the new one so that we could be on our way but thanked him for everything and assured him that he would be hearing from me to deliver the unit back to him on my way back home. I always stop to see if there is anything I can do when I see someone on the side of the road and now I know how thankful those people really are. I used to stop more than I have been until recently. I guess our lives get just a little too busy. Not anymore. I have already helped a guy out who was broken down across the street. I brought him and his wife a cold water and their little one some apple juice. I have really gotten some perspective on life from my summer vacation this year. I think we all need to stop and think about what is really important in life. Besides, even if you don't believe in Karma, you can never be too safe and what do you lose by helping someone out a little other than a few moments that you would likely spend doing something far less satisfying.
Stay classy Internet!