Define me will you?!

Outsourced, funny show huh?

Here, as promised, is my latest status update on Facebook:

The day I even consider a Capital One card is the same day that I am invited to a public stoning of the prick who invented this auto dial system that waits for some poor sap to pick up after the umpteenth call to put them through to some jackass who can barely read the screen in front of him. I hope you get syphilis you f**khead!

Er, ah, ya... I guess I was a little pissy. I didn't know who it was that was calling from the 888 number when I was avoiding it over and over. It got to a point where it was almost acceptable for it to be ignored at my house. I'd say who is it? Susan would say it's "the" 888 number again and then it was just acceptable that it was ignored. Then I decided, all of a sudden, the other day that this was pretty stupid. I called them back and followed the prompt to be removed from their list. REMOVED FROM THEIR LIST. Perfect, no more calls right? Nope. I get a call a few minutes later from a nice gentleman who was either new to this country or calling me from an office in another. Following his questions on his automated script wasn't going very well for this man considering the answers I was giving. I when he was asking what my status was on needing a Capital One card at that time I informed him that I had made notes of the dates and times of the more than 30 calls I had received from that number and was in touch with a lawyer to find how close to harassment we were getting to in order for me to press criminal charges against their company although I was well aware my case would never get to court, I was still really looking forward to the process lasting a year or two and then settling for an amount that would pay for a nice house, a couple cars and a few project properties I've had my eye on. While he was trying to figure out if my answer was better suited for either the "looking" or "not right now" boxes on his screen I let him off of the hook saying that I wouldn't be adding this call to the 30 and I'd really like to not spend any more of my Monday afternoon in this titillating conversation. I tried not to laugh at him umm ing and ah ing and let him go. Done, no more. My sarcasm and idle threats would make this insanity stop. Nope. Not five minutes later I get yet ANOTHER call from a man named Mohamed... Yup, I could but, I'm not making this stuff up. Mohamed is a nice gentle sounding man who I'm sure has the title of "Captain Of Customer Keeping & Helping Everyone Accumulate Deals" or COCK HEAD for short, was, ahem, "vedy vedy" sorry for any inconvenience the calls may have caused me. It took me longer than it should have to help Mohamed understand that this call was very counter-productive as him calling me again was adding ANOTHER FREAKING call to the list. I was given more apologies than I could count and then when saying goodbye Mohamed, the slimy little prick, almost whispered "vedy" quickly and quietly that it may take up to 5 business days for my name to be successfully removed from their call list and then hung up. Fucker. That's all I have to say about that.... For now....
Anywho, on to the title of this post. I just wanted to clear something up. The name of the blog is My Kid Eats Boogers. I find most things I have to say lately in my life have something to do with my son. This blog will include everyday life stuff. It may not always have something to do with the boy but more than likely will. So if you're reading a post and thinking, "this is horse shit, it has nothing to do with kid or boogers" chill out. It's my party and I'll cry if I want to. That's all I have to say about that... Where is this Forest Gump shit coming from?
Stay classy Internet!

Ha Ha you sooooo funny guy!

Homie don't play dat!

Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends, I'm so glad you could attend. Come inside, come inside! Ooh someone has been being a slacker! Actually there are a few things that have kept me away from posts. All are excuses that aren't nearly good enough on their own. For that matter, all together aren't really all that great either. I would have to say that the real reason lays with my constant procrastination which has plagued me for life.
I went to see a couple comedians on Saturday night. I made the mistake of looking them up on YouTube first to see if they were any good. The problem with that is when I actually saw them I had already seen most of the headliners act. Now before the show even started my girlfriend gave me the warning that I get before pretty much any outing. It comes in different forms but always has the same general message. "Don't embarrass me!" That night my warning came in the same way my warnings come when whenever I go to the movies. I get asked to not laugh (a) not louder than everyone else, (b) not to laugh at inappropriate jokes in said loud manner and finally (c) (my personal fav) not to laugh before everyone else gets the joke... Like it's my fault I get jokes a little bit quicker than the average person. Now, not to disappoint, on this particular evening I chose to violate all of said rules at once. The scene goes as follows; the headliner was a bit portly but informed us of the fact that he actually used to be much bigger. He set up his story by saying that he is well aware of the fact that when we laughed at this joke we would in fact be laughing at him and his misfortune and he was alright with this and actually encouraged us to laugh since that was what we were there for. After a long intro to the story he finally began... "Like I said, I was a large guy and at 320 pounds I found a beautiful girl and I went out on a date..." I thought since he'd already spent so much time stating the fact that he was so overweight etc. that this was the joke. I laughed. I laughed hard and loud. One of those short but hardy laughs that come from the depths of your belly. Apparently that wasn't the joke and everyone at the Yuk-Yuks show knew it but me. I just thought that the chances of a large man going on a date at all with an attractive woman was funny. And it was with the delivery in which it was given. He stopped and looked through the dark room in the direction the laugh had come from. He found me, pointed his middle finger at me and said "fucker"... Then he laughed and said that he actually did see the humour that I laughed at. No harm, no foul. Wrong. The damage was done. There was my lady beside me with her head pointed down and hand covering her red face. I'd done it again.... Damnit...
I used to think that maybe I was just one of those people that others find funny because of my quick wit. Not to blow my own horn here but being quick and on my toes when it comes to humour is something that I am pretty good at.  I thought it was just a natural thing. After further thought I came to decide that I was only half right. Yes, the fact that I am quick witted and to add to that speed I have somehow managed to remove the filter that most people have between their brain and mouth that sorts out the things that should and shouldn't be said by creating a pause to think about it. My filter has either been removed or I have found a way of bypassing it. I think it's the second of the two because I seem to be able to filter some things and some words depending on the audience I happen to have like, for example, my grandmother. Now the second half has nothing to do with anything naturally occurring. When I was younger I watched A LOT of comedy. I watched An Evening At The Improve all the time. I watched it at night when most kids should be sleeping. (I've never been a morning person, I stay up late a lot) I have seen more comedians than I can count on that show and others. I watched everything comedy. All of the stand up stuff like Comedy at Club 54 or whatever it was called, Improve like I mentioned and Just For Laughs. I remember watching forbidden stuff like Eddie Murphy's Delirious, Raw, and Robin Williams Night at the Met. Every movie I watched when I was younger until now has been a comedy when it was my choice. I even watched sketch shows like Mad TV, In Living Color and of course SNL. I remember when I was a kid watching SNL while my parents played cards with my grandparents and getting pissed off when they asked me to change the channel to see the lottery numbers right at 11:30 and I'd miss the opening sketch.
So ya, I guess I am kinda funny. Go ahead and laugh. I've worked long and hard (that's what she said) to get this way! And hey if you don't laugh it's OK. It doesn't mean I'm not funny. It just means that didn't get my joke.
Stay classy Internet!

Wasn't I just young? Like yesterday?

"the old Jay man, he ain't what he used to be..."

Can someone please tell me when I got into this limbo place in life where I'm not old, yet I get daily reminders of how I'm not young anymore either? I know that I'm not just in denial about being old either because if I complain about anything people tell me to stop whining, I'm "not that old"... What the hell is "that old?" I'm seriously confused about this. All of a sudden I went from going skiing all day and then hitting the bar on one of those weekends where Saturday and Sunday are the same day because that little thing that is supposed to divide the day, sleep, didn't exist to being the guy where I walk up a set of stairs the wrong way and I can't look to the left for a week. Not to mention this involuntary response to standing/sitting up I have where I grunt like a weightlifter. I have never been a small guy and I am certainly not at my smallest now but I'm not at my biggest either. Plus, I find myself talking about young people in a negative way. Saying how kids are too young to do this and that.  Anyone in their thirties and not sure about what I'm talking about should walk into a bar.  I used to get a faster heartbeat when I saw a young lady in a short skirt. (Side note: is it just me or are girls getting boobs earlier and bigger "these days?") Now think it's awful and wonder what her parents did wrong.  That may be the cause of all of this evil, parenthood. I used to think that I would want a boy for different reasons than I'm glad to have one now. If I ever see my son around some of the girls I had around me I'll lock him up. Another thing I've noticed lately is the IQ of my parents has gone way up. That's what I'd like to think anyways. The reality is that I've gotten smarter which in turn means that I was a meat head when I thought I was a freaking genius. A lot of the things they said that used to infuriate me I find myself thinking. My favourite one is "do as I say, not as I do"... Yup, I'm eating that crow now pops...mmmm... crow.... Time is also moving a lot faster now. I remember when I was a kid and the time it took for my mom to get ready to take us to the beach seemed like forever. Now I'm thinking something just happened and it was a year ago. I was looking at my Hotmail account the other day and found in the settings it says that I got my account with them on August 28th....1997. Not that long ago I thought. Then I did the math and realized that babies that were three when I got it are driving now. WTF? My short-term memory is gone for a shit also. Thursday afternoon I was busy but I had a thousand and one idea's going through my head about what to write about and when I got home my brain had a proverbial fart and it was gone. I sat here looking at a blinking cursor. The only thing I could think about is why they call it a brain fart. I came up with this solution, in case you were wondering, as to where it must have come from: When you're trying to think about something so hard and nothing comes out it can be compared to really trying to have a bowel movement and nothing comes out but air. Like I said, I was trying to remember so hard that I was coming up with anything. I'm sure that there is a million and a half things I could talk about here but this is a blog, not a book. But at least I got that off of my chest. Oh, I am carrying a notebook with me from now on... I'm going to call it Brain Fiber...Think about it...
Stay classy Internet!

Nice Night, Eh?

The soon to be famous "Peterborough Bum Tree"

Mark my words... Look out Liftlock...

Well, no Facebook update tonight. Gettin right to tha dirdy! I've mentioned on Facebook many times that I've recently taken up walking as a stress reliever/exercise thingy. I don't do the "power walking" like the fifty somethings that we all see with their shirts from the Running Room, $300 shoes, stupid pink/purple visor, tight pants that shouldn't ever grace their legs (side note, if you look in the mirror, which you should, after putting stretch pants on and your legs and ass look like you put fifty pounds of potatoes in a pair of nylons take them off and put on some loose pants...please) and the token water bottle in one hand, and the other hand on their watch... Where was I?... Oh ya, who are these people kidding? They have to see other people doing it and think that those people look like morons. Anyways, I don't walk like that, I walk not to lose weight but more as a way of not gaining anymore as I ease into my thirties and it's a bonding time with my son or ironically when I don't have him with me it's more like a break from him. Any parent will tell you that each of those are just as important as the other. We see some strange and cool stuff on our walks. The crazy old woman who walks all over town that told me to, ahem, "suck her cock", for no apparent reason. We've found the Peterborough Bum Tree, as I have named it, that will become, I believe, the icon that finally replaces the Liftlock on postcards from Peterborough. I don't really know why people say they walk to clear their heads. When I walk alone I get those people talking, talking, talking in my head that, when I watched the latest Trailer Park Boys movie, I found out is called thinking. It's all I do. I've started taking a notebook with me because I come up with some amazing ideas. Not like when I used to smoke pot and I'd write down my amazing idea and the next day realize I had thought that pizza ice cream was a great idea.. The walk ideas are usually pretty good. They stand up to the test of time. Like in a few days I still like them. Usually it's songs or just lyrics, basically poetry but songs and lyrics don't make me sound like a fruit. Not that theirs anything wrong with fruits.. I love gays... Jesus... this isn't working out well... ANYWAYS.... For example, tonight I was walking along and I saw a few girls on George Street. They looked maybe 25 which in my experience means that they were 12. And I just started thinking about how terrible they looked dressed like whores, no offence to any whore who reads this, and I started thinking about lyrics (poetry) to describe them. None of which I am going to tell here because they haven't had a few days to not become bad ideas..But you get the point. Anyways, god I say that too much, I also like to experience different things, different trails when we walk and that sort of thing. I've always been an experience person. I think that's kinda the point of being here. To experience as much as we can. That thought process has worked in good and bad for me in my life. But I also like to do things that put myself and others out of the normal comfort zones. I think it's funny to see how people react. Tonight I saw a cute younger couple sitting on the shore of the lake. On one of those really long rocks that they make into steps when they landscape. They were clearly on a fairly early date, the first or second I'd say. I went over as I was walking by and instead of sitting on the other side of the 20 foot rock I sat down right beside the guy and said, "Nice night eh?" and I just looked at him stone cold faced. He looked at me in a perfect combo of "what the hell" and dirty stink eye that I have ever seen and so then I said, "just kidding, can you imagine?!" and I stood up. I turned around and started to walk away when I heard her laugh sooo loud behind me after he gave the expected "what the fuck?!" I looked back and they were both smiling and chuckling at me. I frigging LOVED it. It was sooo fun to put people on edge like that. I know... I'm weird... When I was walking away I thought to myself, I'm pretty lucky that guy didn't just punch me in the face. I think that if someone did that to me I might punch them in the face... I'm really glad that he didn't punch me in the face.
Anywho, switching it up a little, that's why I walk I guess. I don't know why I decided all of a sudden that I liked walking. Maybe it was because I saw that super expensive stroller gathering dust and a boy that needed to be outside after a long winter to blow the stink off of him and myself. I'm glad I did it though. If someone were to tell me 10 years ago that I would someday love walking I would have told them they were nuts. Back then I would drive to the end of the driveway to drop off the garbage. I would rather talk about oral sex technique with my grandmother than walk. That might be stretching it... Time to shut it down for another night.
Stay classy Internet!